As I have mentioned previously, it is vitally important that you keep your fluid levels up with an assortment of cold adult beverages, in order to avoid making bad decisions. A sudden drop in liquid levels can therefore be the only explanation for our decision to buy inflatable kayaks. It seemed like a good idea at the time: according to the video, you just had to inflate them, hop on gracefully (and easily) and propel yourself with minimal effort through calm waters and let nature kiss your soul.
The first thing I kissed was the bottom of the lake when I did a faceplant into slimy, swampy water trying to get onto the kayak. The thing they don’t tell you in the video is that the minute you put the kayaks in water, they move and not in any predictable fashion. The end result was that I had to adopt the Nui Method of Kayak Embarkation: rather than sitting gracefully and moving my legs into position, I just kind of fling myself backwards and hope that my butt lands somewhere near the seat. Getting off the kayak is almost as difficult but by that point I’m usually already wet so it makes no difference.
Another interesting phenomenon we discovered was the Law of Suckage. When you inflate the kayak, all the air going into the boats obviously creates a hole in the atmosphere, which can only be filled by having high winds blow non-stop for days in order to replace the air you’ve used. This also explains why we were only able to use the kayaks about 5 times all summer – the high winds whipped up the lakes something fierce. Plus, being inflatable, the winds make you feel like you’re riding a kite sometimes. I mean, we were getting lapped by 5 year olds in those little hard kayaks, for pete’s sake. Still, we looked cool!
We've decided that the Olympic Kayak team doesn’t have to worry about being replaced just yet. But watch out next summer!